More and more often, I find myself alone. Surprisingly (for some), I actually enjoy it.
When I was young, I was rarely bothered by the notion of being alone. I never though much about it until Sixth Grade when one of my acquaintances approached me in the school hallway. She tugged at my arm and said, “Accompany me, please.”
I said, “Where?”
She said, “To the multi-purpose building.”
This was an acquaintance. We talked sometimes but I never talked to her one-on-one until then. Curious, I asked, “Why?”
She smiled sheepishly and said, “No one else can come with me right now. I might look like a loser.” That was the first time that notion entered my brain. I started thinking about what people thought of me because I was often alone. Was I a loser? Did I look like one?
In high school, of course, I wanted to feel like I belonged. This required a lot of “hanging out” with all sorts of people, especially those who were higher up on the social ladder. I joined a group of friends so I rarely had time to myself. At that point of my life I didn’t really prefer time to myself; I wanted to hang out with friends a lot and felt disappointed whenever I stayed at home while my friends were having a night out.
The summer after high school changed that, for some reason. I was separated from all my friends in that group because we went to different universities. But even before the first day of school came around, I felt that I did not want to hang out with them all the time anymore and even turned down an invitation to a party of a friend mostly because I did not feel like going. Until now, I still have not recovered that gimmick-addict passion and I am not sure if that’s such a bad thing.
In my first semester and halfway through my second semester in first year uni, I spent all of my free time in the organization room of the only org I officially joined. It was great; I had a lot of fun. After Christmas break though, I realized how pointless and tiring all this was, and that it was getting me nowhere except deeper into the gossip circles and disgusting inner lives of the people I worked with, so I withdrew. It caused me to lose respect of a lot of people and largely of the organization (which is why I feel quite hesitant now that I am in a leadership role in said org) which also fueled my desire to stay away from them. Since then, I’ve spent most of my breaks alone, in the library, in the main building of the uni, or just walking and eating.
Being alone is great in a lot of ways. You get to control your own time, where you want to go. I’ve got the steering wheel and I drive where I want to. I want to go to class late – fine. I want to go there an hour early – fine. I want to walk from one end of the uni to another – fine. Second, I don’t have to keep up senseless chatter with people I’m with. I don’t have to spew nonsense, to avoid awkward pauses, or to learn of gossip about other people. It helps me not to backstab others if I’m not talking with someone else. Finally, it makes me keep my feet on the ground. I know what my priorities are, I act on them, I’m not forced in any way to do anything or thought of badly by someone else because I refused to do something for them.
However, there are also downsides, but that’s mostly what other people say about you. Sometimes I get the pity treatment from someone; they either look at me sadly or they sit with me because they think I’m lonely. I find it funny because being alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely but you know. Haven’t you ever been in a party or a classroom and felt alone with tons of people? It’s kind of funny.
But like I said, I like being alone for periods of time. I don’t have to be mean, I don’t have to fake stuff not to be mean, and basically I can just be myself without offending anyone. It’s great.
How about you guys? Do you feel awkward or like you have no friends when you’re alone? Or do you feel awesome like I do?
